Close your eyes
Make a wish
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride
When I first moved out, I had no solid plan. I just had to escape in that brief window, it was the only window I would get after months of wanting nothing more than to move out and start concentrating on myself for the first time in a long time. It’s been 4 months and my life has been falling apart at the seams.
My life hasn’t been my own. To survive what I’ve been through the last 2 and a half months I was on autopilot. It’s always funny when the tables are turned. Instead of my mind trying to kill me, my body was the one trying to kill me and my mind had to be the anchor keeping us afloat.
I was numb because I had to be, I had to survive. I don’t remember the last time I lived outside of survival mode. I’ve been in survival mode since 2019 and I don’t know how to explain how much my brain chemistry has changed because of that.
I feel like I’m two different people sometimes. The me that people like to see, the one who smiles, goes about life as monotonously as possible, works like everyone else, pay the bills, check up on loved ones and repeat.
Then the real me, knowing that all this is a facade. I am not rainbows and unicorns or sunshine. I don’t even like the sun that much, I prefer dark ominous clouds, thunder, lightning, and heavy rain. The me who has lost everything and still somehow stands. The me who has fought so many unseen battles without anyone noticing and still somehow standing. The me whose mind can’t stop running. The me who cries herself to sleep every other night.The me who is beyond exhausted from even trying to be breathing.
I am tired.
Be careful what you wish for
I have constantly wished for someone, anyone to see me. The real me. The one most people would gloss over because it’s not a pretty picture. I didn’t just get someone who is a ray of sunshine I got someone who what a candy store is to kids…undulated joy.
I’m a Wednesday and I don’t know what day of the week could possibly be used to describe such joy, possibly Friday, everyone is happy on Fridays.
I don’t know how to make sense of any of this and my mind is already working up a whirl cause how did the most unlikely person be the one to recognise me? It is sometimes true I suppose, the happiest people are sometimes the ones we really need to be checking in on the most.
Cause you just might get it
This person has the most beautiful soul and good energy, I soon realised we are kindred spirits.
I choose to show the dark side, they choose to be the bright side. Fucking yin to yang, moon to sun shit (you get the picture).
We have both lost so much but still standing. We have both fought so many unseen battles but still standing.
We have both almost lost our lives but we’ve fought to be here, to still be breathing.
We have both experienced life beyond our years, we are old souls in young bodies.
How can one individual know so much about what you’ve gone through without knowing the finer details?
‘You see me, I’m happy, I’ve seen life and on the other side, I found joy. I want you to be happy. I want to see you smile. I want you to do so much more’
A person who has looked into my eyes and seen me, the me I have tried to hide for so long behind fake smiles.
A person who has looked into my eyes and seen me, me being kept prisoner by a mind I wish I didn’t have.
It is scary, entirely new for me, and my mind is in a whirl.
Wishes do come true
For the first time in over 2 months, I’m looking to reconnect with myself again. I’ve started writing again, and I’ve started to brainstorm ideas again. I’ve started to dream again.
That is highly disturbing from a Wednesday perspective. I don’t do sappy yet here I am.
Anyways until next month, I suppose
Songspiration for this article: Dandelions by Ruth B
